does conflict solve problems?
(since i’m committed to writing weekly but am away from my laptop, you get an unedited version written from my phone)
this week i’ve had a new roommate move into my apartment, taking over my old room as i move to a bigger one. i’ve been in this apartment already for two years, and there’s some things i’ve learned as being a part of the roommates. not all i necessarily agreed with but with someone new taking step into our dynamics, conflict ensued. and yet it didn’t have to.
the apartment has a lot of strange quirks we’ve all just kind of agreed to: an old roommate who says she’ll be moving back has stuff there despite not living here in years, there’s shared stuff we can all use, and the chores are a sort of free for all because we’re adults.
unfortunately, as soon as the new roommate moved in, she started taking pictures of the apartment in an unflattering light and complaining to the manager. her complaints i actually fully agree with (mostly about using the living room as a living room and not as storage), but instead of opening up a conversation with those who has lived here, she started throwing us under the bus and throwing away stuff that wasn’t hers. we did fix the problems she had with us, but she still made the place unlivable by her now having the living room as storage for her stuff.
her approach to a situation she didn’t like wasn’t a conversation but to start a conflict. this had me wondering, did conflict solve problems or did my non-confrontational approach work?
the whole reason i’ve always avoided conflict is because it puts people in a fight or flight mode. they get riled up and it makes it harder to come to a resolution. people get angry, defensive, or anxious when faced with conflict. often times it’s because they’re being accused of something and it conflicts with their inner idea of who they are or who they want to be. in the roommate conflict, i was accused of being unclean and disorganized—which i wholeheartedly disagree with.
this flamed up emotions in us and made it harder to be empathetic. it felt like an attack rather than a open conversation.
i know when someone brings up someone they have an issue with, sometimes the response is to rebuttal with something they have done that also needs to be fixed to evenly spread out the blame. this, however, doesn’t solve the problems but rather tallies up each other’s wrongs to “get even.” issues should be brought up independently of each other to find solutions.
and so when the new roommate pointed out our “pile of trash,” i couldn’t bring myself to point out she’s the one who caused most of it. (mind you, everyone moved the day after trash day so the garbage had to sit with us longer than usual).
we did take out the trash, me and my current roommate, and the new roommate didn’t help at all.
so we solved her problem, but our unconfrontational approach didn’t solve ours. however, now we don’t like the new roommate because she’s shown she takes terrible approaches to conflicts. she sacrificed any possible relationship with her roommates in order to win a petty battle, allying herself with the building management and against us (even though we’re fine with building management).
her causing conflict solved her problems but planted the seed for discomfort and resentment in the future amongst those she lives with.
your nonconfrontational roommate,
barbibidi
